While I lament at the lost of a precious holiday to work, I do admit to enjoying the peace and quiet that I get onboard the ship on a Sunday; when there is no one working except for the privileged few who need to maintain the safety of the ship.

I particularly enjoy the quiet moment when I stand at the deck, enjoying the sea breeze and warm afternoon sun, with no stress or burden. Unlike normal days, I need not worry about the piling work at my desk. It is moments like this that makes me treasure life onboard a ship. Unfortunately moments like this don’t come by easy. Besides, I am not willing to sacrifice too many weekends.

I do not complain being the boss for the day. Everyone have goes out of the way to be nice. But they seem to be always calibrating their answers when we converse. Somehow the uniform makes it difficult for casual interaction.

I wonder if the private sector is the same. When the subordinates hold their superior in such high regards. Smiling at someone you don't like can be quite painful.


*******

We seem to wear a mask all the time. Only some we forget we are fronting a facade, and neglect that person living beneath the smile.

Was having a casual conversation with my mum today over dinner She related how my cousin seems to be failing in things that he is doing; having spent a vast sum of money and not achieving anything in life.

My aunt has so totally spoilt him since young that he has not learnt to be able to stand on his own feet. Drowning a kid in excessive love killed the future. I have not seen this cousin since my younger days. I had always remembered him to be someone seemingly sensible. My mum was telling me that has not changed in him. But after hearing most of the stories, I disagreed. How could a responsible person allow for the squandering of his parent's wealth? How can a sensible person changed his ambitions umpteen times, without giving a thought to the cost of change? Sense and sensibility seems to have totally devoided him. Unfortunately, my aunt have been encouraging him by giving her last cents to allow for his blatant wallowing in the satisfaction of change. I could not comprehend how life how meaning to him.

It appears that the parents will have to take a large portion of blame for the turn out of a child. In the name of undividing love, my aunt has single-handedly misled his son into thinking that there is nothing wrong in failing and not learning from the mistakes. Perhaps it is difficult to strike a balance between strictness and stickiness to morality, and leniency in the name of love. Parenthood is a daunting task only meant for the wise and brave.

There are truths in old adages: Spare the rod and spoil the child.

It is rather difficult to grasp the meaning of unrequited feelings. Until one day it grabs hold of you and stare you at the face. I had the distinct displeasure of beholding the devil of rejection.

A friend told me what goes around comes around. Just as you choose people, people chooses you. Such is the way of the world. If everyone gets their way, there will be no need for religion.

******

Was at a christmas party. It was a good way to rid the gloominess that plagued me over the weekend. It was a party to discover the meaning of christmas. Mark was preaching about how accepting the diagnosis of jesus that we are sinners. Only when we accept that we are ill to sin, can we alleviate from the disease.

Jacqueline was saying that all it takes is to let go and let Him take charge; and how everythng went right after that for her. Francis was sharing his experience of how the miracle of baptism cured him of an illness that plagued his childhood times. Hearing the experiences makes it easy to succumb to the calling of an Almighty one who can deliver from all sadness and pain. It is unfortunate that there is always a wide rebellious streak in me. I refused to believe that I cannot stand on my own feet; or that I need to let someone else take charge of my life. I find it extremely difficult to let someone else manage a problem that is entirely mine. I have been educated to be responsible for my own situation, no matter how dire or hopeless it seems.

Perhaps until one day, when I face a problem that is really beyond acceptance, will I break down, kneel and cry for help. But until then, agnosticism seems like a fairer road.

A trend crossed my mind lately: everyone seems to be busy away on something. "To be gainfully employed," an enlighted colleague suggest. "To be seen not working is a sin," another echoed.

Unfortunately I cannot attest to those statement even in my most honest moments of sanity. It seems sad that we have to make pretense of work when there aren't any available. An observant colleague mentioned that people are afraid to take time off to have fun. Being seen having fun is a bigger sin than not seen working.

I am just wondering since when did the notion insinuate and perpertuate. It seems really a tad sad that the daily labour becomes the melting pot of stress and anxiety. Spending half a day in a stress pot is hardly what I deem humane. The pressure cooker will one day burst if no one bothers to let out the steam.

The appeal of pretense dwindles with each passing day. The meaning have perhaps been lost in the depths of the ocean, somewhere out there.

It has been a long time since I patronised a pub. I have always been more attuned to nature than crowded spots. A major proponent of walk in the park.

But yesterday was somewhat different. I felt the need to lose my individuality in the crowd. Or maybe even more, it is to immerse in the casual banters around me, so that the loneliness in me will not feed on quietness and grow in me.

Either way, I was glad that I was out at the alley bar. Other things aside, I really enjoyed the music thumping at the background, even as everything becomes banal. Even the cocktail I had at hand was delicious enough for me to lighten the spirits.

"This is a woman's drink", D told me.

Who cares, as long as I enjoy it, why do I bother about what others think.

The feeling of opression had never felt so strong in me before. More and more, I feel that I have been confined in the walls of frustration and boredom.

I like the way C describes the situation. I have been playing far too long in the graveyard. Alongside the ghouls that have been slowly sapping the life force in me. Instead of numbing to the effects of the virus, letting the infection runs it course. I find myself having that deep urge to want to purge poison in me. I do not want to be another ghoul wandering around infecting others.

I have the greater yearning for simplicity and stability. Things have means of warping into the most complex form this little yard I play in. An elementary task could convolute into something so complex that the initial objectives become totally obscure. Instead of making things easier, the ghouls have the inclination towards elaborate forms.

I have been told that immensity impresses the small minds. Somehow, I am crowded by myopism that could never see past tomorrow.

I have not gone out to sea for a long time. I almost forgot how the beautiful calm that blankets the soul in the vast and open seas.

Unfortunately, like all others, the last sailing was still burdened with plenty of work and watches. The time that I have to sleep was barely sufficient to keep the mind working. Yet we have to pressed on in completion of the required attainments. I could not really fathom in my most intelligent minds why we were burdening ourselves to stress for a seemingly rushed objective. I barely have time to enjoy the heavenly calm the vast blues had to offer...

Frustrated colleagues griped about the lack of satisfaction in the job recently. The rhetorics of job satisfaction rears its curious head as we tempted to provide satisfaction to ourselves. There have been many answers that permeate the ship crew: to be able to perform the job in time, to keep the ship safe. However, I noticed that most people that I asked tend to have a transient notion of job satisfaction; being able to content with the job at hand.

I would have thought that job satisfaction entails something more permanent. The contention of temporal nature could hardly be perceived as satisfaction for me. I prefer a more long term approach to the age old notion. I would rather view satisfaction as seeing myself in a position of desire; be it wealth or power. Unfortunately, I could see neither in my current job, and definitely not enough for me to make a career out of it.

I have been charting my path a lot lately; planning an exit strategy and a graceful entry into another space. Some colleagues have acccused my ungratefulness to the organisation. I could only accept the blames. After all, the organisation was indeed the midwife to my education as well as the handsome paycheck. I am still however inclined to think that the organisation would well function without me. She would do well without my service, and I am trying to do well without hers. But I suppose it is difficult to make my colleagues understand. After all, to them, job satisfaction is doing the job right. Freezing my emotions to do something right hardly seems moral to me.