It is coming towards the close of the year.

Just a year ago, I was distraught by the fact that I was seemingly heading nowhere. I made the resolution at that point in time that I should start devoting time and energy in seeking out the meaning for my life.

A year has passed. And I am equally distraught by the fact that I am still heading nowhere. I don't seem to be scoring in any aspect of life. Worst yet, I am losing steam in professional aspect. I am dreading the prospect work. Every other day I will be dragging myself to the car, and not finding a meaning why. I have made big plans of transition. Colleagues were commenting the courage it takes to leave a well-paying job into the depths of darkness beyond. But I would rather give up the life of comfort to venture into the darkness. The darkness holds more charm than the unnerving glare that I have to face everyday.

Gripes are not getting me any further. I realised with angst that I only have another year to figure out what I want to do after. The candle that will light up my life: the candle of hope.

I could not understand how someone with a passion for books and reading could have be so short tempered; almost to the point of barbaric. I feels extremely frustrated when I get dragged into the mood swings of one family member when he starts lamblasting about little things that are so totally trival. Or when he starts to blows his cap off at the weakest member in our family.

Everything in the books points that it is no use getting angry at anything. Anger will solve no problem. I could never understand why he cannot channel that energy used to boil up his blood into something more constructive: like solving the immediate problem at hand instead of finding swear words to spoil everyone's mood. Even after giving him a few anger management books, it still does not solve the problem.

Perhaps what perturbs me is his inability to prove himself to be useful. Perhaps I can understand if he had been under work stress, but all he is really doing just bumming around at home ; without a seeming goal to life in mind. I guess I could always find an explanation that he is semi-retired and enjoying life, yet I simply cannot come to terms how he just stay at home and make people's life miserable...

It is a real test of patience sometimes to live with him. Someone told me that being in a relationship is hardwork; but after putting in so much hardwork for the past 20 over years, I really feel that I want out. I just hope that this genes are not latent in me, waiting to explode and make someone else miserable.

I need my own space where I need no longer to bear with this nonsense. I want out.

I want to be a child again.

I want to be that boy who dreams about everything and worries over nothing. The kid who only have to ask for pocket money when I want to buy the latest toy. I want to play all day without worrying about work. I want to sit in front of the PlayStation the whole time playing the latest series of final fantasy, or playing my soccer with a bunch of friends. I want to fight with my neighbours over a marble. Someone who does not give a hoot about anything in life except being happy.

But I am no longer a child. I started to worry about career, about the future. I get calculative over income and expenditure. I get frustrated over the the colleague who backstabs. I have to spent time rushing the latest report, get anxious over deadlines and meeting targets. I have to start thinking about my family's health...

It is tough to be a grown up.