I am deeply frustrated by the welter of events that have zipped pass me.

There is this furious state of activities at home. What's with all the shifting, renovation and all. I am doubting the wisdom of having starting the redecoration in the first place. For one, my gran seemed not to be taking things in stride. She have been missing meals, and I get the feeling that she is not adjusted to the new surroundings in our temporal home. I just want the renovation to complete as soon as I can, and things can resume for her...

And work hasn't been too great either. I feel it a drag every morning to go to work. I lost the ideal and drive in the current line. I am really looking forward to shedding my current appointment into something different... Something that suits me more.

Then there was a relationship that never quite took off. Perhaps the inactivity have left the warm heart to cool... I guess perhaps I am regretting... In this furious welter, I need someone... to hold my hands, and tell me that things will be ok.

I hate this feeling. Now the only thing I look forward to is shifting out....

Phew!!! Finally managed to shift the bulk of my furnitures to our temporary house.

So we managed to chalk up loads of rubbish over the past twenty years. I was totally appalled when I was saw my book pile. Never knew that I had gathered so much literal thrash over the last decade. Considering the fact that I have dished out so most of the better reads to friends, I still have considerable volumes of papers. I just cannot imagine how much I have spent on them.

Also managed to read some of the older letters... All my teenage memories came flooding back as I was reading them... the puppy love, secret adorations, heartaches... I was also much taken to the creativity that my friends had when they were in their teenage years, the little handicraft wrapped with the notes and stuff. I seem to remember that I was pretty creative too when I was making gifts for friends.

Geez, it is such a pity that I have not kept in touch with most of them. I do miss my younger days.

Wrote this on a friend's page. But I kinda like my own composition, that I decided I should post in own my own blog...

月起大地遇長空，攀月摘星逐錦秀。
朝陽破山照前程，一勾彎月向東流。

I have finally been called in for a long awaited interview by my boss.

It was an extraordinary experience: to say the very least what I actually thought of what I am doing. I was simply amazed at how bold I was in pointing out the things that I actually not liked about the system in general. I lamblasted at the various administrative hassles in place to make people happy; the little implementations that devoid the average human of their maturity and responsibility; the various knee-jerk responses that kicks in squarely in the face everything something happens... The rules and boundaries that cuts work to a precarious haunt.

I am sure he would have listened: just for that few minuscule moments before delving in his own troubles anyway. But who cares, at least I said my piece...

******

Reminiscing about yesternight. It has been such a long while since I spent time on the phone. I guess I still haven't gotten the verve of teleconversation after two decades. The talk was interspersed with breaks and pauses, and occasional silly laughters to fill in the voids of space in time. I have always felt that being on the telephone is secondary to meeting in person. The usual charms and banter in me get lost the moment I go on the line. I guess somewhere, somehow, I have always felt strange in talking to an equipment.

But still, it feels good to be connected to someone. That there will be someone who will respond to the careless whispers, or silly banters after the moment of pauses.

Hmmm... Tommorow will be the seventh day of the first month: the chinese belief that it is the birthday of everyone, but I will be on duty. But hey, I have always enjoyed duty; aside from the fact that it eats up my free time.

Somehow it seems to me that the year of the dog will be a good one.

Woof woof.

All messed up...

Is this love? Or is it just some mindless infatuation that happens to teenagers every so often. But I am no longer that teenager. I have not fallen in love for a while. Play the casual flirt, yes. But falling in love...

Love have been a word that demands too much commitment. Too much time and emotions need be involved; the pain and heartache, guised in contentment and bliss. I have been disappointed one too many time; unsatisfactory relationships, and broken promises of forever.

So am I in love? With someone that I barely knew? I feel distant, but somehow near...

I cannot find another explanation for feeling all upset and unhappy. I could only hazard a guess; falling into the romantic quagmire. I see no way to pull myself out of it, but to let myself sink deeper into it. Perhaps, subconsciously I am willing to drown in the pit... to be that martyr, who have died gloriously for love.

Where are you? Do you know I am trying to get to you? Get near you?

I want to move closer....

I imagined that I would go on well, without you,
I drew the perfect picture of life, without you.
In the picture, I was alone.
The world moves in its own time,
Nothing excites me, nothing interest me.
Nothing momentous
No happiness, nor sadness.
Life presses on with the tireless tandum.

I have never been more wrong...
I feel your absence stronger than ever before.
Your presence looms large in every nook of memory:
The playful dimple each time you flash those enchanting smiles;
The simple conversation that means nothing, but everything;
The quiet silence, disturbed by the sounds of our casual saunter.
Each plays vivid, alive.
Even in your absence, I dream your presence
It was only then,
I realised,
I really miss you...