Watch Fantastic Four today. I'd rather enjoyed the show.

I had always like the notion that there are some superheroes in this world who will always save people from distraught. The superheroes of our world need not have super powers, but people of exalted positions, willing to donate time, money and effort to make this world a better place.

******

Did some packing today when I got home.

Found an old diary through my rummaging: a diary that logging a relationship of two person, whose paths split at some point in their lifes...

I felt moved as I read the entries in the journal. How two young teenagers promised to be together forever. How they penned their everlasting love; thoughts of a blissful life together...

It is strange how the promise of eternity erodes with the passage of time. How the vows gets washed away by the turn of the seasons. Everlasting love seems but a farce. It is just too bad that I want to believe in it.

*Nostalgic*

Once upon a time, not too long ago...

Ok... I will be going on a cruise to nowhere again in another six hours.

I always hate having to be away for extended periods. The thought of having to return to the normalcy of socialisation irks me. I have been so caught up in my work that I have no time to take stock of life; and I am losing grip of my sanity. It came to a point where I am not too sure why am I working so hard, or even working anymore. Work has lost its meaning.

It seems strange how with the progression of technology and society, we lose time. The increased in efficiency seems to demand beyond human capacity. Some say the mind is limitless, I think we are limited by the hours of the days. The entire setup made me rather edgy this few days. We have come a full circle from the days of slavery to where we started; only the whip is the next pay cheque.

******

On a separate note, I have been having more difficulties understanding myself lately. I am caught in the barrage of confusion. I could not even be sure of who I fundamentally am. What dictates me? Who am I? Why am I here?

A friend told me that I am too young to enter into mid-life crisis. Perhaps it has to do with the recent trouble that I had faced. It wedges painfully a point that I don't know what I want, who I want.

I seek enlightenment of sorts. But I know not where to look.

I have spent another uneventful Sunday at home.

Yet, for the first time, I begin to enjoy the uneventfulness.

I seem to remember how I used to get restless when I have nothing to do at home. But work have taken such a heavy toil that I really appreciate the time when I just sit at home and roost.

It was in the voids of emptiness that I realised how I have been on a crazy chase in the last few weeks. All the effort invested in work for minutes of glory and appreciation. It seems hardly worth it. Besides, the recognition does not even mean anything, besides satisfying the needs of some egoistic bosses.

I begun to consider why we actually work. The reason spate of killings have brought home a point that we should really be living our lifes the way we want; we never know when we will prematurely discontinue life's journey. But the large chunk of our time seemed to be engrossed in work. I asked a superior not too long ago why are we working so hard. He answered that we need money to enjoy our life. That seems reasonable until I realised that we have been driven so hard till we have no time for enjoyment.

I need some time off...

I cannot believe that I actually have talent in video editting. Yes, after spending countless hours on premier pro, I have finally managed to create a ten minutes clip for work. Wait a minute, since when did I sign my name on the line that says video editor. Wait, maybe I endorsed the part on working your ass off on whatever your boss pleases.

Anyhow, I must say that I am quite pleased with whatever works I have produced. Considering that I knew nothing about video editting nor the software to does it, I must say that I did a pretty decent job.

That aside, I think that my frustration with the job grows every damn day. I seemed to be doing all sorts of work; video production, public relations, human resource, office administration, navigation... Simply listless (oops! no pun intended there) I have imagined an entirely different life. Alas, dreams and reality are always a plane apart.

I think it is about time I start looking for a secondary skill. I wonder what trade should I start picking up. Hmm... I wonder if I should strike forth and master the art of skiving.

******

On a separate note, It seems that fate moves in a mysterious way. Just when I was about to give up hope on our local girls, I got to know this really cute person by chance; and I mean it, really by chance. I must say that the event in which we bummed into each other were not exactly conducive for friendship. But in any case, her smiles brings almost stops my heart... She definitely possesses that X-factor(http://www.khoosc.diary-x.com/journal.cgi?entry=20041124). It is that undefinable charm.

It is not what's inside you, but what you do that defines you...

This phrase managed to catch my attention. We had a rather spirited discussion yesterday about how there is a creative tension between what you want to do and what you are really doing, because you have to. Many times, we seemed destined to fulfil certain obligations to satisfy our basic needs; and these obligations seems to slowly encroached into our guarded sense of self. And the preservatives of the teenage ideals slowly gets eroded by the mundane economical activities.

A member of the little group mention how a friend picks up all the art pieces she made when she was young, and reflect on how she lets the brushes stale in the cupboard while she struggles in front of the company to satisfy some corporate needs. I guess we each have only so little time, and devoting a little more time on the "have to" will leave less for the "want to"; and reality is such that the "have to" and the "want to" runs opposite directions.

Perhaps, utopia is when the "have to" and "want to" align... And we finally learn that contentment is a bliss in life.

There are no permanent friendship, only permanent interest.

I came across the phrase today. It sets me wondering...

I hate to agree with the phrase. I am more inclined to agree that there are permanent friendship built out of familiarity, trust and understanding. At least I know that I still have some friends that do not take particular interest in my economic situation, and will probably lend a helping hand in times of needs.

But yet, I realised that there are some truths in the phrase when I look back at my recent life. I guess at some point in time after the friendship starts to bud, we find that the interest no longer aligns. Just that with deeper understanding, the subconscious tells us that these friends can never satisfy our permanent interest, usually the emotional satisfaction you get when you hang out. Before you know it, a friendship you thought would last forever ended. Friendship seems harder to develop when social status comes into play. People start to weigh your career against if you are worth making the friend. Isn't the first question that pops out of a new mouth, "what do you do for a living", or something to that effect? We are very much judged on what we do for everyday life.

I guess the old folks made sense when they said that you can only find true friendship in an educational environment. I just wish that things wouldn't be so.


******

On a separate note, I am recovering my grip of sanity.

While the recent bout of distress in the family have not quite blown over, we are slowly coming to terms to the entire situation. Or at least I am. It certainly helps now that the continued administration of medication have improved my granny's disposition.